I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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