he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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