I puked a lego.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
You are a genius and a whore.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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