I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
I want her autograph on my taint
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
