when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
