Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
