You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
