My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
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