I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
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