oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
