you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
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