Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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