Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
