For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
