Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
