I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
