Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
