I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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