i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
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