you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
