Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
You are the jesus of drinking
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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