Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
