Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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