i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
