I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I haven't been this sober since birth.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
