I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
