Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I have tasted many bathrooms
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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