your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
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