you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
pray to the hookup gods
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
