And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
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