I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I am one with the molecules
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I am naked and annoyed.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
