Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
