i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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