you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
