Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
