I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Randomize
