dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
