Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
