i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
