My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
