I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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