Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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