I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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