she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
