i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
50% drunk capacity currently
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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