So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Randomize
