Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
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