So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Randomize
