You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.�
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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