Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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