wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
